Thoughts on "Remnants of Love"

Last night i was up until i can barely even remember. All i know is that i was in front of the computer reading word per word on Soul Under Construction. I have always been an avid fan of your writings. To me, you are one of the most explicit writer. Your thoughts and philosophy always challenged me to seek for the truth, for knowledge, and more. Alas, this may be something that you never knew, but oh well now you know.

We broke up almost 3 years ago and i do recall myself subscribed to your journal, oh should i say blog? You always left me contemplating whether you write about me or on just whatever. However, most of your writings were about me. For some reason, last night was different. Not only was i moved, but every detail of every word hit me hard. Is it because now i know and feel the pain that you went through?

I cannot remember how you verbatimly expressed in your writings of how you felt the time i left you and broke your heart. All i know is that i can relate now to that. I was momentarily insane. Nothing mattered when he left. I couldn't get up from my bed. I had no appetite to eat. I could barely speak and even found myself mumbling and eating the words i uttered. I considered myself defeated, denying my existence, yearning to be put to a lasting sleep of peace. I was taunted with memories of him. I missed his voice, longed for his touch, and mourned for losing him.

Like you, i blamed myself. I wallowed at the thought that maybe there were things that i should have done or should not have done. I blamed myself that it was i that pushed him away. I blamed myself, only myself, that maybe i wasn't sweet enough, not pretty enough, not submissive enough, not intelligent enough, never will be enough.

For days i no longer knew who i was. I forgot the things i loved doing. I stopped writing, stopped conversing, stopped singing, stopped reading, stopped touching lives, stopped discipling. I failed to remember that i was never a quitter, that i am a general in the making. I literally let go of all that i had faith and believed in. I forgot my calling, my destiny, my purpose, and my reason for living. I turned away from Papa, from Jc, and from Hogo.

But upon reading more on how you saw and hopefully still see me as a woman, as a person, as Rachel, i am grateful to say that you empowered me in so many ways. Who would have imagined that your heart break would transform and enable me to see the better side of me? You knew and i am sure that you still know that i have a very low self esteem. Yes, i am undeniably bubbly and witty but i keep on disowning my abilities, my worth, my significance.

Luis, i just want to express my gratitude. I am amazed that HE chose you to open my heart and my mind. This writing, blog, journal, or whatever you want to call it, may not be as exquisite as yours for we both know i am the better speaker and you are the better writer, but then again, this one's for you.

Thank you for always believing in me, for constantly reminding me of my worth, and for always challenging me. I had to break your heart so that you may grow, now it's my time to be broken so that i may be made whole.