Vision, Dream, Word!

What must i do i ask myself?

Do you have the slightest of idea?

Your face shows no hint of clue.

Now i'm left here, waiting!

But for the very first time, i wait now not impatiently.

Never did i wait with such peace and joy.

The storms within me are now calm.

In deep solitude i lie awake patiently waiting.

I know what i envisioned.

I know what i dreamed.

I know what i heard.

None of them i wanted to believe.

But who am i to doubt Him?

Who am i to say no to such reward?

Therefore, i stand here.

Not passivley waiting.

Anxious Heart

I tend to get excited over love. The feeling of being in love, to be loved, and to love. During my devotions, my heart would often ask. When will my turn come? Has the right man come along? Or if he has, hasn’t he noticed me? Or if he has noticed me, why isn’t he pursuing? Frustrations lurk over my head and they most of the times overwhelm me. Falling in love i know is God’s plan. I know he was the one who made me feel all these romantic feelings. But i must be patient, for patience is an expression of trust in God. Impatience, lack of purpose, and misguided emotions foolishness. Only those who seek God’s purpose and timing can know the true joy of romantic feelings fulfilled. I have to submit my emotions to God and learn to evaluate my choices in light of Biblical wisdom. God works through our choices and actions. Even our missteps to accomplish his best in our lives.

I know, i’ve been through a lot of failed realationships. All my past realionships were not God centered. My first boyfriend, American Muslim. My second boyfriend, Agnostic. My third boyfriend, Atheist. My fourth boyfriend, Iglesia ni Kristo.

Failed relationship shouldn’t paralyze me. Through this failure, i am firm in my decision that my next relationship should have a spiritual foundation, whose main goal is to point each other to God and remind each other that we can only find soul satisfaction in him alone.

Now God is teaching me not to be hasty in expressing my feelings and start wound up on premature relationship. True love waits. In his unfathomable wisdom, he knows when i’ll be ready. His timing is perfect. Yes, i may tend to get excited to meet and know who the right one is, but what matters now is that i rest secure on the love that God has for me. I know he has a perfect plan for me.

"Real love is fated. It has been arranged before time. It is the most meticulously prepared of coincidences. And fate, ofcourse, is simply a secular term for the will of God, and coincidence for his grace." - Mike Mason

1 month and 5 days after that devastating day!

Two days before our supposedly third month together you remembered me. It had been almost a month since we last communicated. You came knocking back into my slowly being reorganized life. And so we agreed to meet.

I believe that it was good that we met that day. It was a pleasant day i must admit. No pressure, no holds bar, no pretension. Yet, i confess that i was frightened to meet you. I didn't know if i was ready, i didn't know if i had the courage to face you, i didn't know if i was strong enough not to break down. But still, i agreed to meet you.

We walked together that morning in our rarely solemn university. You asked for my assistance to accompany you fix your clearance since i was also going to get myself enrolled. Funny how it was our first time to walk the university together. You were quiet the whole time as i find myself mocking you and making fun of you.

We weren't able to finish what you came for. So, we decided to go to the mall nearby the house we were moving into that day. I was hesitant at first, but i thought to myself that maybe it was alright to spend the day with you. We were over in the first place. Besides, we both seemed okay. Weren't we?

We planned to go to ATC and have lunch there but instead stopped at McDonalds in Las Pinas since you said you were starving. Afterwards, we were in a bus heading to Sm Southmall. It was then that you started being you again. The witty and fun going you. Together, we watched Quantum of Solace. It was awkward watching a movie with you alone. Simply because we never did when we were together. We barely went out. We always locked ourselves in the dorm. And if we would go out, we always went to Tagaytay.

After the movie, you asked if you could go home for a while and get changed since your house was only a tricycle away from the mall. I waited for you at Starbucks. You said you would accompany me to our new place and help me and my siblings with our stuff.

You came back soon enough, but we weren't able to head to my new home yet since my siblings hadn't arrived at the place at that time. We instead decided to head to ATC and found ourselves playing billiards together then ordered a drink at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaves. We sat there for hours.

It was then that we were really able to talk of what happened between us. We spoke of how our relationship failed and headed to destruction. We also talked of the good times we had together. We spoke of our last week together where for five consecutive days you visited and took good care of me because i was ill. How you said you were excited when you stood at my door thinking of what to do to impress me and make me feel special. How you daily woke up at five in the morning so that you could be at my place early. How you would impatiently wait for the van to get filled and pay for the remaining seats just so that it would leave already. How you were worried and afraid because i wasn't getting any better. We talked about our funny and silly fights. We talked about the day we went to a wet market to buy ingredients for Sinigang. You said you were happy with me of which i was afraid you weren't when we were still together.

We talked and talked. We were surrounded by the many bright lights amidst the gushing rain. Oh how i told you i loved the scenery. You know how i have always been fond of bright lights and the rain. It was then that i realized that my heart is still broken. That i was still clinging into memories of you. But then I knew in my heart that we were over. There were just too many signs that we couldn't be together and should never be together.

So we decided to be friends. To simply enjoy each others company. It seemed like we were hitting it good as friends. Like you said, no pressure.

Around ten or eleven in the evening i think that we finally headed to Paranaque to our my new home. My siblings hadn't arrived yet but said that they were on their way. Little did you know that my heart was reeling. It was just too heavy to contain my again exposed heart. Remember the day that you wanted so bad to meet my family? I felt horrible that i had to introduce you to them that day knowing we were over.

So you did meet my siblings. I asked you constantly if you were okay that evening. You said you were happy. And i think you were. You smiled constantly, even laughed jerkily with them, exchanging silly jokes and stories i endlessly always heard.

You left exactly 6:30 Am the next day. You woke me calling me Say. I walked you to the gate and then you left. I went back alone with a heavy heart.

Then i sent you a text message, pleading that you avoid me from then on. That you ignore me if ever you hear from me. I told you that i just cannot be friends with you, not now. Maybe someday, but not now. I deleted your number from my cellphone. I had to refrain from you. My heart didn't want to but i knew it was the right thing to do.

I can't help but be moved by you. You stir my heart up and i cannot let you do that to me. I have not fully mastered the eart of letting go, not even guaranteeing that i will be able to do so, but i am letting go.

Goodbyes are never easy. Most especially if one needs to say it to the very person you endear most.

So, it is a month and five days now since that detrimental day I can no longer call you my Say, my Mahal, my Yum yum, my Supersay. I cannot say "Payag ka na" when i ask you to do something for me. I cannot call you at night and hear your voice before i end my day.

But i am standing tall. I refuse to be a somber and starless sky. My heart will later be out of great depression. Will cease bleeding love. I will barely breathe for long enduring days. I know i will suffer and be tormented on thoughts of you. It is not a snap or a breeze letting go. But i am way better at present. Shockingly moving onward and upward.

Yaani

Last night, I was welcomed by a rushing wind and a lightly pouring rain. I found myself heading towards your door but came to realize that the lights were off. Then it finally sank in to me that you are now really gone.

With a heavy heart i walked away and headed towards my dorm. I was filled with emotions i did not know how to handle. Just when i thought i was strong enough, i am finding myself in brokeness, facing your absence. 

It has only been four days since you went away. But to me it seems like forever. I blame myself for the days i could have spent more with you but traded you for something or someone. How i wanted to get into a time machine and make it all come back. But here i find myself, wishful thinking, l am somberly pondering.

You see, i am being haunted and taunted by memories of you, most especially the last days you were here. I recall the moments i was at your dorm singing shakily, "When the daylight's gone and you're on your own, and you need a friend just to be around. I will comfort you, i will take your hand, i will pull you through, i will understand. Cuz' you know that, i'll be at your side, there's no need to worry, together we'll survive through the haste and the hurry, i'll be at your side if you feel like you're alone and you've nowhere to turn, i'll be at your side. If life's standing still, and your soul's confused and you cannot find what road to choose. And if you make mistakes, i won't let you down, i would still believe, i won't turn around." I cried like a baby when i sang that song to you. I have never ever sang wholeheartedly for anyone except when i worship. 

I am finding myself missing you more each day instead of getting used to you being gone. I read your letter everyday. I can't stop talking about you, cannot stop uttering your name to everyone, to anyone, i tell them how much i miss my bestfriend, my buddy, my greatest companion.

I promised myself never to use any blanket unless i am away or someplace else without it or when it is in the laundry. (however, i ams till waiting for Lj to give it.)

Basil, do you remember the times we spent together? Our joyrides, our weekend visits to ATC, our movie watching, our Starbucks escapades, our sleepovers, our DVD marathons, our food trippings, the day we went to Tagaytay Zoo & Balinsasayaw, the time i wanted to have a henna tattoo of your name at my back, us playing billiards, bowling, or simply hang out at Tutoy's? What about the laughs, the many and long dragging talks, and even the tears? Tears? Only i shed tears. *Giggle*

I also am reminded by the Ramadan days where you were fasting and we had a couple of dinners spent together. Do you remember me calling you on the phone weeping like a little child in desperation and you rushed to my dorm even when you had class?

Life just hadn't been easy since you left. I normally knock on your door either too late at night or too early in the morn. Still, you open the door for me. Looking back, i have always enjoyed your company. I felt safe, appreciated, and understood. You accepted my ins and outs and saw the true beauty within me. With you, no pretensions, no mask, no secrets.

I know you told me to begin making new friends because you won't be around anymore. Yes, i may find new friends but there will never ever be another Basil. It just isn't the same. There is no other you. But i will face each new day thinking that the next day is only closer to me seeing you again. I focus and dwell on the thought that i will see you again.

I am just forever grateful to have known you, to have shared a part of my life with you, to have spent time with you. In my heart you will always be, no one has ever touched my heart like you do. Your friendship means so much to me, more than you can ever imagine. 

I miss and love you my dearest Basil Mihm Al-Obaidly. Always and Forever.

Freedom at the Cross

At the age of twenty-three, my life is nothing but a collection of rewarding experiences. Good and bad, joy and sorrow, victory and defeat, freedom and chain, abundance and lack.

Lately, i’m being knocked at the door by all the wrong decisions that I made, the sins of my youthful days. Just when i thought i’ve outrun them all, they’re back to taunt, remind and condemn. As guilt once again chases after me, i slowly by slowly, little by little, withdrew myself from God. I always questioned him during my talks with him. Would i still be good enough to do your work after all that I have done? Would i still be an effective minister despite all the dark and dire secrets i tend to keep? My wrong decisons in the past are drawing me back from the puposes he has for me. Paranoia is back on a strike!

Oh but of little faith i am. Did i totally forget that the gruesome cruxifiction was God’s plan of freeing me from my sin? And at the cross, both the depravity and the heights of God’s amazing love is seen. Then i come to realize that he uses all the uncertainties in me, all the questions it involves, to sanctify and enlarge my faith. God is faithful when i have been faithless. His kindness and mercy to me are not based on what i have done, but he sees me wearing the righteousness of his only begotten son, Christ Jesus. And through the cross, i can approach God with freedom and confidence.

My past has no hold of me. No matter how sordid it may have been. For Jesus died for me on the cross, he was condemned and cursed, forsaken by the Father so that i may not be forsaken. How deep and vast is his love for us, beyond all measure it truly is. Wounds mar the chosen one, to bring many sons to Glory! For without the shedding of the blood, there is no forgiveness. The blood of Christ who through eternal spirit offered himslef unblemished to God, cleansed our consciences from the acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the Ever - Living God. He died as a ransom to set me free.

Thoughts on "Remnants of Love"

Last night i was up until i can barely even remember. All i know is that i was in front of the computer reading word per word on Soul Under Construction. I have always been an avid fan of your writings. To me, you are one of the most explicit writer. Your thoughts and philosophy always challenged me to seek for the truth, for knowledge, and more. Alas, this may be something that you never knew, but oh well now you know.

We broke up almost 3 years ago and i do recall myself subscribed to your journal, oh should i say blog? You always left me contemplating whether you write about me or on just whatever. However, most of your writings were about me. For some reason, last night was different. Not only was i moved, but every detail of every word hit me hard. Is it because now i know and feel the pain that you went through?

I cannot remember how you verbatimly expressed in your writings of how you felt the time i left you and broke your heart. All i know is that i can relate now to that. I was momentarily insane. Nothing mattered when he left. I couldn't get up from my bed. I had no appetite to eat. I could barely speak and even found myself mumbling and eating the words i uttered. I considered myself defeated, denying my existence, yearning to be put to a lasting sleep of peace. I was taunted with memories of him. I missed his voice, longed for his touch, and mourned for losing him.

Like you, i blamed myself. I wallowed at the thought that maybe there were things that i should have done or should not have done. I blamed myself that it was i that pushed him away. I blamed myself, only myself, that maybe i wasn't sweet enough, not pretty enough, not submissive enough, not intelligent enough, never will be enough.

For days i no longer knew who i was. I forgot the things i loved doing. I stopped writing, stopped conversing, stopped singing, stopped reading, stopped touching lives, stopped discipling. I failed to remember that i was never a quitter, that i am a general in the making. I literally let go of all that i had faith and believed in. I forgot my calling, my destiny, my purpose, and my reason for living. I turned away from Papa, from Jc, and from Hogo.

But upon reading more on how you saw and hopefully still see me as a woman, as a person, as Rachel, i am grateful to say that you empowered me in so many ways. Who would have imagined that your heart break would transform and enable me to see the better side of me? You knew and i am sure that you still know that i have a very low self esteem. Yes, i am undeniably bubbly and witty but i keep on disowning my abilities, my worth, my significance.

Luis, i just want to express my gratitude. I am amazed that HE chose you to open my heart and my mind. This writing, blog, journal, or whatever you want to call it, may not be as exquisite as yours for we both know i am the better speaker and you are the better writer, but then again, this one's for you.

Thank you for always believing in me, for constantly reminding me of my worth, and for always challenging me. I had to break your heart so that you may grow, now it's my time to be broken so that i may be made whole.

Jc to the rescue!

In the vastness of an excuisite panorama speaks a gentle voice hovering upon me like a warm breeze in the gloaming dusk. I smile within the comfort it brings. Again i am finding you breaking my fall!

For two months, depression crept inside me. I knew no longer what joy was. A scar i need now to carry, but not allowing it to stop me from standing, from fighting, from growing! Again i am finding you gently picking me up.

I am starting, not from scratch, just standing up from where i have fallen. I am relearning to breathe, relearning to crawl, relearning to live! Again i am finding you rescuing me from the pit.